| Apo and Maria |
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| 03:19pm 08/02/2005 |
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mood:  anxious
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Apo was talking to Maria yesterday... For some reason, it didn't make me feel all worried like it has before sometimes. Maybe he's just been good at reassuring me lately - or with all this other shit that's going on, maybe this just doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore.
So yeah, I guess she's ... working? joining? I don't know what to call it... fucking, I guess would be most accurate, the Cyesthetics to make ends meet. She's been living in H-hole, too. And... really, for all that she's been kind of bitchy to me, that's a shitty situation to be in. I know Apo feels sort of responsible for it, too, since she only came here because of him and all that (even though I tell him she's a grown-up and can make her own decisions and he can't blame himself that she chose these things.) And I hate to see him feel guilty like that, so I said that if she really needed a place to stay, she could come stay with us for a while - even though it's already too crowded in here and whatever, it's still gotta be better than whatever she's got in H. So he's gonna fib her to offer, and I guess we'll see what she says.
And then it got a bit weird... he said something sort of joking about how we'd be sharing him. I figured he was just teasing, so I went along with it, saying he wouldn't be able to keep up with both of us and stuff like that. But somewhere along the line, it turned into less of a joke. And... I don't know how I feel about that. It's hard to think about without getting too emotional over the whole thing. But I think how okay I would be with it would depend almost entirely on her not being a cunt towards me. Apo says she's getting better with the idea of me, but I don't know how that would translate into something more real... Meh.
I'm still kind of scared of losing him... Maybe after he goes through with the merge, things will be clearer for all of us, about how it's gonna be. |
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| Enh, what's the big deal? |
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| 02:04pm 31/01/2005 |
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mood:  hopeful
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For all that everyone's flipping out, it hasn't been that bad for us. Me 'n Apo've just been holed up here at home since yesterday. We've got enough food and all that to last us for a while, and we've still got guns from the raid, so we're doing pretty good, considering. Mostly, we've been sitting around, watching vids, cuddling, that sort of thing... Looks like I get a long weekend off work, too, heh.
I really hope that everyone's all right... I talked to Raven earlier, and she was okay, at least, and she said she'd talked to Kwen last night, so there's that... Some folks at work were stuck there, I hear - I'm glad I wasn't, that would kind of retch. I mean, as much as I like my job, I'd hate to think of Apo stuck here all alone, and me not there for him. We're lucky we were both home... Apo would prolly have done something stupid like running through the halls trying to find me if we weren't together when it all went to shit.
I bet this'll all be over in a few days anyway, though. We just gotta hope that the Euros win, or it won't be pretty around here afterwards... |
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| Broken, but mine |
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| 03:04pm 28/01/2005 |
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mood:  rejected
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I don't know where to start about all the frooked shit that's been going on since we went into t-space... I guess the most important part is, Apo says that they (the people in t-space, whatever you wanna call 'em) can put people back together - even with different people than the ones they got split off from originally. And the other Apo doesn't want to rejoin with my Apo, but whatever's left of Pig does.
God, it sounds even more frooked when I say it.
He's thinking about whether he wants to do it. And there are so many questions that he doesn't have the answers to yet - like, will it change his personality? What if this version of Pig isn't like what he imagines? Will he still have TID, or some new and different identity disorder, or will this make him better? Can they (or will they) undo it if it screws up? Will he still be Apo?
He says he'll still love me, but how does he know that? He can't, not really, so he must just be saying it to make me (or himself) feel better. Because that's what he wants to believe. But what if the new Apo that's part Pig is really in love with Maria? I don't know if I could deal with that.
I told him he's gotta find out more, talk to them more before he makes any decisions. I told him I'd stay with him no matter what he decided, so maybe I'm as bad as him for wanting to believe that things would still be okay, without really knowing... But I really would try to stay with him, even if he was different. I mean, TID could change him too, and I wouldn't leave him over that. Maybe this is just a part of how he's gotta grow.
And he says that he feels empty inside, like something's always missing. If I really love him, how can I tell him he can't have this? I know I can't ever fill that void in him... I thought maybe I could, but I guess I can't. If this is what he needs, maybe that's more important than us. Maybe it's selfish of me to want to keep him the way he is, broken but mine. |
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| Ow |
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| 03:00pm 19/01/2005 |
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mood: sore
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This is the first day I've felt well enough to sit up and try to do a few things. My side still hurts like hell, but they say it'll get better and soon there'll just be a scar there, and on my back where it came out. Which is kinda cool, I guess... guys like bullet scars, right? Other than that, I was just a bit banged up, bruises and scratches and shit, but those are getting healed up too. I feel pretty good, considering. Mostly just tired right now.
From what people are saying, it was a big success... I mean, people died, but we got done what we needed to, so it was worth it. The news is saying it wasn't that bad, but I was 20 meters from the blasts when they started, and I can tell you that was a whole hell of a lot of explosions. So I'm pretty sure most of what they're reporting is bullshit, trying to make themselves look less bad.
We still don't know who got killed. Gadaquali did, at least, and maybe Xavier too, I'm not sure. Apo says he looked pretty bad when he saw him, but I don't remember that part real clearly. And that old lady I tried to help, I don't know what happened to her either. I hope she's okay, she seemed like she knew what she was doing.
I'm glad Apo is okay. He just got a graze on his arm from a bullet, otherwise he was fine. And he shot that bitch who shot me... I guess you could say he saved my life - I mean, I could have done it myself, but he got there first, and that's okay. He's not rubbing it in or anything. I think he was pretty worried about me.
I don't know what to say about what I thought I saw at the end there... I was really hurting, and I keep thinking maybe it was a hallucination or something. But I don't know... Apo hasn't said anything about it, and I'm sort of afraid to bring it up, in case it makes him upset right before he goes into t-space on this ...mission, or whatever you want to call it. I dunno...
I think I should lie down again now, I feel sort of dizzy. |
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| Apo's mission |
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| 03:10pm 14/01/2005 |
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mood:  determined
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Apo's getting all worked up about this plan of his... well, it's not exactly a plan, 'cause for it to be a plan he'd have to know what he was doing once he got there, but it's a thing he's gonna do, anyway. I'm sure it's a combination of different worries - he feels like he's responsible for everyone who's going along with it, no matter how much I tell him that they're going because they want to be there, and they want to help him, and whatever happens, they're willing to accept the consequences. I know that's why I'm going, at least, and I bet it's the same for everyone else.
Hell, I wouldn't let him go face ...whatever this is, by himself. I know he's scared something will go wrong, or that this will only make things worse, but I don't know how it could get worse - if the people out there are already dead, then they're dead (I didn't say that to him, of course). Whatever happens, is going to happen. I don't think he necessarily has control over any of it, and nobody knows what it's going to be like. But he's gotta try, anyway, and so I've gotta be there with him. Because he was always there for me when I've tried things that I needed to do, to keep myself whole and feel right about what I'd done. Because I love him, and I'm not letting him go into that fucking hole in space alone.
Maybe after all this is over, things will get back to the way they were before. I can hope, anyway... |
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| The job |
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| 04:15pm 09/12/2004 |
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mood:  exhausted
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Just got back yesterday from my - our - first real job for the Company. It could've gone better, but it could've gone worse too. Sal, that juppa, stowed away with us (why us? enh...), and I know Apo was pretty disappointed we wouldn't get to make the trip alone like we'd planned to (well, we had a couple hours alone at the start, but that really wasn't enough!) But in the end, it was good that we had someone extra along, 'cause one of the bits of salvage we picked up was rigged to give off some knock-out gas and send out a signal to what were most likely pirates. But Sal woke us up before they got there, an' Apo did an awesome job of flying us the fuck out of there before anything too bad happened. He was so good under the pressure - I'm glad to know I'll be flying with him forever, I know he'll take good care of me, an' I'll try to take better care of him. I felt stupid I let this happen - I've heard of that kinda thing happening before, I should've checked everything more carefully before bringing it on-board. Some captain... I gotta do better next time.
Anyway, I figured after he'd helped us an' all, it was only fair to take Sal to NC, like he wanted to go, instead of just goin' back to Perseity. So that added a couple extra days onto the trip. I just kept tellin' myself that if this was really all that urgent, the boss wouldn't've waited for me to get the Equinox fixed up to do this job, he would've sent one of the skeps that was all ready to go. I hope he'll understand, anyway, and won't be too upset that we were late getting back. I won't mention how we figured that dropping Sal off would give us at least the trip back alone together...but it was really worth it. Kinda like a little honeymoon ^-^
Now I'm sposed to go to Koga and drop off this shit, and then it'll all be out of my hands and settled. Then just wait for the next job, I guess. |
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| Family, and the Company |
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| 09:56pm 28/11/2004 |
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mood:  pensive
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Well, the Equinox is all fixed up now, as good as I can manage, and I get to take her out on her first job! I'm gonna be Captain Nary, how splash is that? Apo's gonna come with me too, so that'll make it even better. He'll be my first mate, heheh. I hope it all goes smooth, so that I'll get to do this more often after this - it could be a big break for me in the Company, plus of course lots of fun!
I talked to the cho some more about my folks... he says they're for sure in this secret prison camp, I forget the name of it, something long and Carpathian. He says that there could be some problems, even if they get released. That whatever's happened to them, whatever experiments or tests they've been doing on them, means that they've lost their memories. Nobody knows if it's all their memories, or just some of them, or whether there's anything anyone can do about it...
But even if they don't remember me, I want them back. I told Opalnyk I'd take care of them myself if I had to, and I meant it. I hope that wouldn't happen, but if I had to, I'd do it, for as long as it took them to get better. I mean, they're my parents. There's nothing else I could do.
So the cho's gonna get his brother, who's some big politico in NC, to try an' help with it. He says that they don't get along, but he thinks his brother'll help anyway, because it's the right thing to do - to release everyone there, not just my folks. So that's good, I guess. It seems like he's going to an awful lot of trouble over this, which makes me a bit worried, but I don't think I have a choice. It's not like I can go and bust into this camp and rescue them myself, or pull strings in the government to get them released... So if it means I gotta work for the Company for the rest of my life, well, I guess that's what I'll do. There are plenty of worse jobs out there, after all. |
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| Some frooked-up shit |
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| 08:39pm 11/11/2004 |
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mood:  confused
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The cho-man says my folks might be in some secret prison labour camp. It would explain a lot of things, like how the department of defense got the Equinox, but there's not really any proof of it yet. But he says he's gonna talk to the NC ambassador about it. I still can't believe he's going to all this trouble for us... but he seemed honestly angry about the idea of this secret camp thing, 'cause his country is sposed to be all democratic an' shit, so I guess he figures it's personal in a way too. It's hard to think about them bein' in a place like that - not that I really know what it'd be like, but I can imagine... But at least it would mean they're alive, and maybe they can get released. He said any evidence against them would be long-gone, so there's no problem with them getting re-arrested and sent to some legitimate prison. I hope he's right...
He says to start payin' him back for all this poking around he's been doin', I can get the Equinox spaceworthy and do some runs for him, to Akkad I guess, not sure exactly what I'd be pickin' up there, but whatever. I'd do that without payback! I wonder if Apo can come with me... that'd be splash, and I know he's kinda frustrated lately with how slow things go with his classes and all that. So I'm sure he'd want to come, if he was allowed... it'd take his mind off some of the other things he's worried about, too, with the new torus an' all that. I don't know exactly what's going on with all that shit, just that he's really preoccupied with it lately. He's worried, too, that the raggies are gonna send him back home, 'cause of something with his disability visa or whatever, and Andinia signing their treaty or whatever it is. I dunno what would happen then... I guess I'd go with him, if there wasn't any other choice. :/ |
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| Carrying on like everything's normal, even when it's not |
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| 04:17pm 29/10/2004 |
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mood: pensive
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For the past little while, things've been goin' along pretty normal, considering. Apo's still going to classes, even if at night he spends his time wondering about how he'd go about trying to talk to the Torus aliens or whatever they are. I told him maybe he should talk to his doctor, or to some of the other folks who were on that ship that day, the TID ones - maybe they have some ideas that he hasn't thought of yet. He doesn't really seem to want to, but I think he's running out of other options, so he'll prolly do it in the end.
Work's still the same as always, even if I figure the cho's gonna try and play both sides of this somehow - however he can make the most profit off it, I'm sure that's what he'll do. I'd like to get in to see if he's found out anything about all that shit with the NC government and my folks an' all that, but he's so busy lately I haven't been able to get an appointment. So I'm sure work's going to keep going, I doubt they could ever really shut us down, even though I hear that the raggies aren't too keen on smuggling or that sort of thing.
I hear about these resistance groups that are starting up, and I think about maybe helpin' them out somehow, but I don't know... maybe Apo has some ideas what'd be smartest for us to do (other than stealing a skep an' getting the fuck off this rock, which seemed like a good option right at first...) |
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| Fuckin' hell |
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| 03:18pm 17/10/2004 |
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mood:  angry
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This is all really frooked. Me an' Apo went into t-space for the Centre to run those tests and shit on him and a bunch of other TID folks. Mostly all I had to do was sit there in this crappy little skep and hold his hand once in a while so he didn't flip out. And he did really well, he wasn't too upset or anything, at least not as far as I could tell.
They could see things out in t-space. Glowing alien sort of flatworm things... I guess they all saw the same thing, I'm not sure. Apo said he could see other versions of us, too - the normal people, whatever you want to call us. So could that little Ferdi kid, I'm pretty sure, and maybe other people could too. Apo tried to touch the other me, and ... I could feel something weird, even though he wasn't touching me at all. It's freaky... but at least I'm more inclined to believe that something really was going on there. It can't all just have been in his head, or I wouldn't have felt anything, right?
Anyway, though, when we left t-space, that was when things got really fucked up. We could see a new torus and a fleet of Kedang warships around the colony! Austronesia took us over before anyone could even think about fighting back, as far as I can tell. It's prolly best they didn't try - there's nothing on this rock that could take out that many Kedang-class vessels. More'n likely they'd just have disabled our life support systems and then shoveled out the corpses. We can be glad they didn't do that, at least...
So now we're part of Austronesia, which isn't all that different so far from being part of Europe... but it's creepy, somehow. And I think it'll still be a while before we can get any word back and forth through the new torus. I know Apo's afraid of what he might hear about Pig - whether he ever made it through or not. And Juliusz too... It's almost worse knowing that we could get in touch with them, if the government would let us.
Maybe NC or someone this side'll come an' bail us out. I wonder what the cho thinks about all of this... Meh. All these people fightin' over a little piece of rock in the sky, and do any of them actually care about us?
At least Apo hasn't gone all depressed and miserable yet... I know he's upset, but not in the same sort of despairing, there's-nothing-I-can-do-to-help kind of way. |
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| I just don't know |
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| 02:32pm 03/10/2004 |
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mood: distressed
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I just saw the cho an'... an'... (muffled sniffling) I had to come and hide out in the bathroom for a bit, 'cause I'm not gonna cry in front of everyone. He wasn't mad, not at me - maybe Apo was half-right, though, 'cause he did seem upset about how the government hadn't told him what it was doin' with his employees. I didn't know they were sposed to report to him... fuck, this is all so frooked, I don't know what's goin' on anymore.
... (sounds of crying)
He says that the Division of Strategic Inquiry or whatever does secret mil-research, bio, nano, geno-tech, psych shit... It doesn't make any sense why they would want my folks. I don't understand it, and there's nothin' I can do about it. I can't deal with government shit, 'specially not top-secret goverment shit, I'm no one. But the cho said he'd look into it, and I just felt so awful, like this is just gonna be one more big favour I owe him that I'll never be able to pay back... But he said it was okay, that I didn't ask him, an' anyway there were some things he could do with no risk, wouldn't have to bring my name into it even. So that was good, I guess... an' I didn't start to cry in front of him, so that was good too.
But I was just thinkin', I don't even know that much about my folks, like before I was born. I assumed they were from Perseity, but I don't have any proof of that - and if they were, where are my grandparents or other relatives or whatever? I dunno... part of me doesn't want to find out. What if I've got relatives here an' never met them? I couldn't just show up on their doorstep after this long, I don't think... it would be too strange. But maybe I should look... maybe I have some family somewhere... maybe that's all I'll ever have. An' it's my birthday in a week, but no-one'll even care...
'Cept Apo, of course. We had a long talk last night, maybe that's part of the reason I'm all upset today. He told me 'bout how his ... I dunno what to call him, his double or whatever, came to him when we were first going out and I guess Apo was, ah, jerkin' off and this other Apo came an' ... touched him, somehow. And has said things to him other times about what he's gonna do to me... And Apo was really freaked out about all this, but he couldn't tell me about it so he's just been carrying this around inside him for months and months... but it's screwed up in his head somehow, so he's scared that something will happen, ah, like it did with Pig and Maria. He can't take the idea of someone else loving me, of having to share me that way - not sex, but love. So I tried to reassure him that it would never happen... I think he believed me, in the end, and felt a little better.
We went out to the Blue Star, down by Terminus Station, like on our first date, and it was a nice evening... We came back to my place and watched a couple of vids, just cuddling and bein' close to each other... it was good, comfortable-like. Later, I showed him those new little shorts I got, an' he said he really liked them - 'specially 'cause I wasn't wearing the top that went with them, heh. And I guess he was feeling better enough to come to bed, though it wasn't as nasty as the other night, more soft and sweet and gentle. That's not the way I usually do things, but I think it was what he wanted, and I liked it too...
I feel a bit better now, I think. Maybe I can say I was sick to my stomach or something, if people ask where I was for so long... Better get back now, and then I can go home to Apo sooner. |
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| Night with Apo |
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| 04:46pm 02/10/2004 |
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mood:  naughty
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I had such a good night with Apo on Thursday, and yesterday morning too. I was worried about telling him about how I'd read his journal, so I made a nice dinner for us to, I dunno, make up for it or whatever. But it turned out he wasn't mad at all. I think something about it still bothered him a bit, but I don't know exactly what. I guess it's only natural he would be a bit shocked that I learned that stuff about Pig an' all that, but I tried to let him know that I didn't think it was gross or anything - I really meant what I said, that people should do what they want to do in bed, as long as nobody's getting hurt more than they expected to. I was a bit jealous of Maria, and I told him that, but I didn't get a chance to out-and-out explain what I meant, 'cause it seemed to upset him, so I changed the subject. But I didn't mean that I wanted to fuck Apo and Pig, not really. I just meant... well, she was so important to him that he would do shit like that for her (even if it wasn't really him, you know what I mean). I don't know if he would do something that fucked up just 'cause I wanted him to... I don't even know if I'd want him to. Bah, anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about. ( That's not the point. )
Anyway, he's seemed happier the past day or so, so I'm pretty sure he had a good time too. I wish it could always be like this... I know that he's still got lots of issues to work out, but we can both forget about them for a little while when we're together like that. At least, I hope he can... it's the best I can do sometimes, to try and cheer him up. I wish I had better ways, but this one does have its benefits! |
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| Apo's feelings |
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| 04:54pm 29/09/2004 |
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mood: determined
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So I've got an appointment set up in a few days to talk to the cho about what happened on my trip an' all. No one's been askin' about the Equinox either, so I've had some quality time with her, which has been good, even if I do have to stop working once'n a while to cry for a little bit. Apo's all worried about me talkin' to Opalnyk, thinks something bad's gonna happen if I tell him the truth. I dunno... Apo's got this idea into his head now that everything he gets a feeling about must be true or something. He had a bad feeling before Pig left, so now that means he knew what was going to happen, I guess. And he says other TID patients are having the same thing - hunches, or whatever. It's so hard to believe, but I know how badly he wants me to believe him - it matters more that I believe him than that his doctors believe him, even.
He's sure my folks are still alive. I don't know what to say to that. I'd like to believe that he has some special insight that lets him know that for sure... but what if it's just another symptom of his disease that's talking instead? I mean, fuck, I believe they're alive or I wouldn't be going to all this trouble over them, but... I don't know for sure. Apo says he does. And, well, what if he's right? What if he's wrong?
I'm almost wishing Opalnyk will be mad at me, even if I doubt it'll happen, so that it would go some ways towards proving Apo's really turned psychic or whatever you wanna call it... I want this to be true, but I can't let myself get sucked into just outright taking his word for everything. Hell, if I took his word on lots of other things, he prolly wouldn't be alive today 'cause I'd've left him or never married him in the first place or whatever. He's sick. I have to keep remembering that he's sick, because it's too tempting to believe that this is true. |
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| Tauites |
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| 12:05pm 31/08/2004 |
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mood: frustrated
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I don't know whether to be mad at them, or grateful. Just 'cause one of them spouts off to Apo, tellin' him it's his fault that crazy jack got it into her head to blow up the Torus, doesn't mean they're all like that, I know... but it was awful hard to get him to stay and listen to what the rest of them had to say. And then, they didn't even have all that much to say, really - nothing that could make him feel better, at any rate. I don't know what I was expecting them to say, but ... I guess I hoped that he would feel better afterwards, somehow. I don't think that really worked, though, and I don't know if he'll ever want to go back there. Meh.
I don't know how he thinks it could be his fault, anyway. Even if this pilot did feel bad because he went hole-touched, a fuckin' normal person would donate to a goddamn charity, not decide to kill hundreds, maybe thousands, of people. I can't seem to get him to understand that, though. He agrees, and then says "but it's still my fault" or other shit like that, and I don't know what else to say to him. It's so frustrating sometimes, even though I love him... I just can't help him.
I'm supposed to go and talk to the cho-man about all this shit I found out from Malli, but with everything that's been going on I've kinda pushed that aside. Maybe I should do that, take my mind off Apo's problems and back to my own for a while... |
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| Margot's party |
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| 09:28pm 13/08/2004 |
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mood: hopeful
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Apo and I stopped by Margot's birthday party the other night. It was pretty splash, even if just about everyone there was younger than us. I picked up some cobalt to give her for a present, and she seemed happy with it, so that was good. Her boyfriend, the governor's son, was there - he seems like a nice enough kid, a bit on the stuffy side, but he loosened up okay. Couple of her other friends, Tse-3 and... I forget the other guy's name. Farshid or Faraz or something. Anyway, Tse-3 had a ramped up fib, that he said he did himself, seemed like a smart kid, but kinda shy. Actually, he sorta reminded me of me when I was that age - I wasn't into dancing and pharms and all that shit either, back then. The other one, whatever his name was, sells pharms, or used to. I doubt he was a big player or anything, but still, it never hurts to have another contact.
Anyway, Apo had a good time, he seemed better than he has for a while now. He was even eyeing one of the girls, I think her name was Vildis or something. She was real voll, I think everyone had an eye on her (except poor little Tse-3, who's eyes were on the ground or on his fib most of the time when she was around). We skipped out before it got too late, though, and went back to my place for some celebration of our own...haven't had that much fun in a long time. He really got goin', like he used to when we first got together... I've missed that. Maybe he's finally starting to get straightened out, after everything that's happened. He wants me to go with him to a Tauite ceremony. Fuck, if it helps him, I'd go to any goddamn church on this rock. I just hope it doesn't make things worse.
Oh, I forgot to say, he got me a ring, with a matching one for him! It's super-chill, it glows and everything... it feels like a real wedding ring. Makes me feel all grown up or something. I like it, anyway. |
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| Hope? |
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| 12:38pm 20/07/2004 |
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mood:  gloomy
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Apo's doing a bit better the past little while, but I'm still worried. When he went to the Centre, he talked to some little kid, Ferdi something or other, who told him ... well, I don't know exactly what he told him, but Apo figures it means he was talking to Pig in his dreams and he was asking for help or something. And now he's so driven, he thinks maybe there's something he can do... I just don't know. I told him I'd help however I can, but I'm scared that if this turns out to be nothing, it'll just make him worse in the long run. 'Cause, fuck, I can't imagine what Apo can do to help Pig right now, except I guess pray, if he thinks that might work.
I don't have anyone to pray to, so I can't even do that. Instead, I'm just going to hope really hard that this turns out not to be a lie or some frooked delusion, and that Apo will be okay.
His friend Margot came over the other day, just to see how he was doing and shit. He'd said she was young, but I didn't realize quite how young - she's just turning 14 in, like, three weeks. She seems like a nice kid, though. She put her foot in her mouth a couple of times, but it's so easy to do that with Apo, he's not like other people, that mostly I just felt bad for her and tried to help her out, instead of getting angry or anything. 'Cause, really, how's she sposed to know? I said lots of stupid things when I first met Apo too.
We might go to her birthday party, which is kinda cute... I remember my 14th birthday, I was here for it and Raven took me out to Vue (it'd been her birthday a few months before, but I'd missed it) and it was so weird, but a lot of fun. Until she was flirting with some guy and I got left out - and then she tried to get him to go with me instead 'cause it was my birthday, and I wouldn't do it, I said because I didn't wanna be someone's second choice, but really it was because I was too scared and nervous about what was gonna happen... He kinda groped me a bit before I got angry, and I guess that sorta ruined the evening. Raven felt really bad, though, and the next day she took me out for ice cream, which was really more my speed back then anyway. I guess I was pretty slow to grow up, no matter what the law says. I don't get the impression Margot has that problem, though. She's real pretty, like Raven always was, and she's going out with the governor's son and all. I never even had a boyfriend until I was a good bit older than she is now.... with Juliusz...
Fuck all that. I'm with Apo now, I'm married for fuck's sake, it doesn't matter what I was like when I was 14. I should just get back to work, and then I can go and eat supper with Apo and maybe we'll watch a vid or something. |
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| Apo |
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| 11:54am 15/07/2004 |
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mood: guilty
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I'm seriously worried about Apo. I mean, it's understandable that he'd be upset - fuck, I'm upset too, with everything that's going on lately. But he's been really bad, even for him. Just really lifeless and drained. He gave me his fib so I could answer things for him - like he doesn't even have the energy to do it himself.
I read some of his journal. I was worried about him, mostly, and wanted to make sure he wasn't planning on doing anything really stupid. I ran it through some translation program of Raven's to get at it. I felt guilty doing it, but I needed to know he wasn't going to do something that would take him away from me... It hurt most to read the entries from when he was happy, though. Like if only there was something I could do right, or not do, or something, that would take him back to the way he was then, and make things ...well, not normal, but at least okay again. Like I'm failing him.
I stopped reading when I got to some really personal shit about him and Pig and Maria... I couldn't go on, it felt too wrong. Even though it was stuff that happened before I ever knew him, it's still uncomfortable to think about. I didn't know he and Pig were that close, but I guess now that I think about it, it doesn't completely surprise me. I don't know what to think, really.
But I'm gonna have to tell him I read it. I can't not tell him, and I won't be able to go on like I don't know. But not now, maybe when he's doing a bit better. I'd let him see this thing too, if that would make up for it.
At least he has an appointment at the Centre today. I know he thinks they don't help, but I can see a difference sometimes when he's been there. So I'm gonna make sure he gets there, whether he likes it or not. |
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| Goodbye... |
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| 09:53am 09/07/2004 |
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mood:  shocked
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So, the Torus is fect. I don't know what to say about it, except I hope that Juliusz and Pig will be okay. We won't know if they made it through for... I don't know how long. Until they can build a new Torus, I guess, and who knows when that'll be? Fuck... they'd better be okay, or I'll... I don't know what I'll do. I need to learn more about torology, maybe.
Apo's not doing so good, obviously. I'm here at the Centre with him, but he's sleeping right now and I can't anymore, so I got up to get a drink and now I'm just watching him rest. He tosses and turns a lot, but less when I'm lying next to him. He tried to explain something to me last night, but I couldn't understand what he was getting at - something about how he knew the pilot of that ship, though, I caught that much. Maybe he'll be able to explain it better when he's not so drugged up... or maybe he'll have forgotten whatever it was.
I wish I could make things okay for him, but I don't know how. |
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| Married life |
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| 09:19pm 05/07/2004 |
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mood: happy
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Heh. So far this 'being married' thing has been pretty splash. Well, okay, actually it hasn't been that different than usual. I still go to work every morning, see Apo every night, or just about. We haven't moved in together or anything, at least not yet - he's got his set-up with Raven and Emily, and I think it would be really too crowded if I got in there too. I'm small, but I take up a lot of space! We've been sleeping over with each other a bit more, though. I like waking up with him anyway, but it feels more special now that we're husband and wife (ack, that sounds weird! I'm gonna have to get used to it, though.)
All that's different is the knowing. It's more of a feeling than anything else, just a constant sense that he's there in a more permanent way than before, like we'll be together forever, no matter what happens. I don't think it's the piece of paper that did that, either. I think we did it on our own, when we said all those things beforehand, and the piece of paper just means that the government approves. I said he was my husband, and that made it true. I think that's how it should work for everyone, but it probably doesn't. We're just lucky, I guess.
We haven't told too many people yet. Partly I think we're not sure how to tell them, but partly we've just wanted to keep it to ourselves for a bit. I know Apo told Pig in a fib before he left. And I told Juliusz in a fib, 'cause he's leaving for Earth this week too, on a buying trip for the store. He'll be gone a couple of months, he said. I wish I'd got a chance to say goodbye, but it's not for that long, I guess. Oh, and he said that he and Anna broke up - I wonder if he just wants to get away from the whole mess for a little while. He made it sound like it was complicated. Well, I told him so. He should really learn to listen to me, everything'd go much smoother. Meh.
Anyway. I haven't heard anything more from Salmo about the piloting jobs, but no news is good news. He's probably just getting the details worked out and shit. Apo wants to find out about getting his certs, which I guess is a good idea. From what I remember, it's just a few tests, you fill out some forms and pay a fee. Is there anything on this fucking rock that doesn't make you fill out forms and pay a fee to do it? A few things, I guess... think I'll go do one of those now. |
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naryrising's journal
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